Some days I wake up and I literally cannot get up.
My body won’t let me.
My legs feel heavy with a tingly sensation as if they’ve just fallen asleep after I’ve been seated for a while. My hands are tingly as well, but there’s more pain, like pins and needles.
I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.
I roll over and want to get up. But, I just can’t. Shooting pain moves up my arms and into my chest.
Frustration builds before I intentionally stop my racing mind.
I’ll be okay, I think. This is just temporary. Let yourself rest.
Depending on where I’m supposed to be that day, I may shoot off a text to inform those I was supposed to be with that I can no longer keep our plans. I’m canceling again. Guilt may begin to surface, but I quickly remind myself that I’m healing and others will understand…at least I hope. I’m doing everything I can.
Next, I might pray.
This season has left me rather dry. I often have no words. Just a simple, help me! or sometimes a why? is all that may come out in my prayers.
When I’m better rested, the words are there as I pour out my feelings about the inner anguish. God already knows, though. He knows it all. He understands.
God has a bigger plan – I must remind myself.
This is just a glimpse of my life with Lyme Disease.
I’m pretty sick right now and it’s difficult.
Thankfully, since starting treatment, I have seen some progress. My memory has improved. The brain fog is less severe. Headaches have decreased. Anxiety isn’t as big of a problem. Those changes help give me hope. I see the possibility that one day I may feel normal again and the idea of that makes me abundantly happy!
But, still, I struggle.
Each day presents itself with its own set of challenges. That’s normal. We all have challenges in our lives, whether we’re battling chronic illness or not.
Yet, the hurdles I must clear sometimes leave me hitting the post with my back leg and tumbling to the ground, wondering if I’ll ever be able to get back up again. Will I ever run my race in the same way?
I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same again, and in a lot of ways I’m thankful for that. I may regain my health, but the journey I am on will have shaped me into a different version of myself. Right now, my prayer is that the changes I experience will bring out better, truer parts of me.
When my day doesn’t go the way I expect it to go, I have two choices. I can become bitter or I can surrender and allow the day to be rerouted.
In this season, I must do my best with the circumstances at hand. I have learned that becoming angry doesn’t change anything and that surrendering doesn’t mean I’m failing or that I’m lazy. It just means that sometimes what I thought was best really wasn’t what I needed at the time.
I am reminded of how easy it is for us as humans to think we have everything figured out. We put so much stock into our actions and desires, but those things fail. We will make mistakes. We will not be good enough. Only God can meet our needs and fulfill us in the way we are so desperately longing for.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I am remembering this Psalm tonight as, once again, my plans were thwarted. But you know, I think right here writing this post is exactly where God wanted me to be.