As I finished drinking my warm mug of lemon water a few moments ago, I smiled to myself, thinking about how different my life looks as a result of chronic illness.
It wasn’t a happy smile, but a smile of contentment.
I felt peace. And still do.
It’s funny how that happens.
I never in a million years would have thought I could be content spending my day in bed, eating a restricted diet, and constantly using various forms of treatment.
My adventurous, travel-loving self would have never chosen to stay put.
I loved to go. To serve. To experience all I could.
I still like those things, but caring for myself in the best ways possible means I have to put my desires on the back burner.
It’s true that I would rather not have spent the past two hours detoxing my body.
But it’s also true that God is good. I believe He knows. I believe He cares. And I believe He’s working.
Do you ever wish you could take back something you said?
Do you think about what would have happened had you done something differently?
Do you hold onto regrets?
Holding onto the regrets of my past keeps my mind in a place of frustration. It keeps thoughts swirling and then spiraling until I convince myself that everything in life is horrible. I know it’s not, but when you combine the neurological symptoms of Lyme Disease and co-infections with normal insecurities that people face, I can quickly get into a place of deep, deep melancholy. This kind of mentality isn’t healthy.
When I hold onto things I did wrong and think about ways I didn’t “measure up,” I miss out on the present. Not only that, but negative feelings regarding my past keep me from embracing the woman God created me to be.
Throughout my time of living with chronic illness (pre and post diagnosis), I have made a lot of mistakes. I’ve said and done things that were not kind. I became the needy person I never imagined I would be. I tried to control in whatever ways I could because nearly everything in my life was falling apart.