What I Desire More Than Anything

You know what I want more than anything?

You know what I really want? 

What my soul craves. What my heart longs for. What I can’t be content without.

What I Desire - Chronic Illness

It’s something that’s been there.

Actually, someone who’s been there.

Someone who’s been there by my side all along. Even when I was rebellious. Even when I sought my own pleasure instead of the true satisfaction that can only be found in one place.

He was there.

But somehow, even knowing the truth, my tendency is to slip away. I start to wander and almost lose myself as I seek adventure before the source of adventure.

I have sought blessings instead of the one who calls us blessed.

What I desire more than anything right now is to know God deeply. To trust Him. To rely on Him. To love Him. And, to make Him known.

I haven’t always felt this way in my battle with chronic Lyme Disease, though.

Some days, I couldn’t feel God’s presence. I would try to pray, but with brain fog I could barely think a coherent thought. Only stuttering would come from my mouth as I’d open it to speak. The severity of symptoms left me in bed, full of pain, uncertain whether I’d ever be able to experience another “normal” day again.

All I wanted was to get out of the pit I was in. It felt like I was drowning and I didn’t know what to do.

But, God met me in a panicked state when I opened the Bible and read the Psalms. I tell that story here.

What I Want - Chronic Illness

In the months since that moment, I have gradually learned what it means to trust God when times are hard. Since then, I’ve had my biggest panic attacks, worst Herxheimer (Lyme die-off) reactions, and deepest bouts of depression. I have had times when I’ve wanted to throw my life away because I just didn’t see a way out of the darkness I was experiencing.

But, with the help of friends, internet resources, and the Bible, I have been continually reminded of God’s promises.

Psalm 73:28 reads,

But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

I’ve found the truth of this Psalm. For me, personally, it is good to be near God. God became my refuge – the place I could run to in order to hide from the world. I could rest, knowing I was safe with Him.

So now, as I face difficult days, even more than I desire healing, I desire to know God deeply. I want to find God in my brokenness because He’s the only thing that can fully satisfy (Psalm 107:9).

I still have hopes and dreams but I don’t want to hold onto them as tightly as I hold onto God. My hope can’t be in my desire for physical healing. My hope must remain firmly planted in Christ because only He can provide lasting hope.


What do you desire?



chronic illness encouragement and Lyme Disease self care

3 thoughts on “What I Desire More Than Anything

  1. This describes me. More than anything, I want to become my fullest potential, which can only come with God’s help. And sometimes, I actually feel abandoned by him.

    It never lasts, though, and then I realize latter on the blessings he has given me.

    Thank you for this!

  2. This is amazing! Thank you for writing such beautiful and truthful words. I have MS and have been experiencing my darkest days in the past few months. I am thankful for my faith and trust in God or I never would have made it through. Even though it has been the hardest time in my life for my illness, I have increased my faith and love of Christ 10 fold. I will keep your words close.

    1. Thank you so much, Dana!! I’m sorry to hear of the dark days you’ve been experiencing lately. Praising God right now for the way He has met you in the midst of pain… He is so faithful!

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